The sky is magical and it controls most of our lives and our personalities. So of course it is going to know who will give you the best sex of your life! I'm no Astrologer, but I've spent enough time under the stars to know whats up with them. You can trust me!
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| See! Look! Here I am with some stars. |
Aries: You are a daredevil! You go Gurl! You also have an adventurous side! No, not the ninny adventures that tinder people talk about. You need something REAL. That's why you MUST have sex with Indiana Jones.
Indiana Jones will quench your adventure thirst in life-life and also in your sex life.
Taurus: When you want something you want it baaaad. You won't stop until you get it and you don't care about the consequences. You might be a jealous bitch but that's okay, because you're a warmhearted one. The stars really complicated the crap outta you. That's why you should DEFINITELY have sex with Robert.
Robert is this guy I know. He's into complicated bitches. Jealousy turns him on like a water faucet, or air conditioning, or anything else that turns on. Go! For! It!
Gemini: You're smart. You got that witty tongue that nerds love to french. But you get nervous and talk way too much sometimes. For some people this is a real drag. But for Bill Nye the Science guy, you are a DREAM.
He will talk more nerd than you ever will. He'll explain what all his junk is doing to your junk in scientific mumbo-jumbo talk. He'll be like, "Our hot bodies are making global warming EVEN WORSE!"
Cancer: You feel things, and you feel them deep. You aren't no three inch puddle people can see through to the bottom! No way! But you got that heart behind bars. That's why you need a mastermind criminal to break through those chains! The Joker from Batman is the PERFECT match for you.
Listen up, I know what you're thinking: But he has those weird scars on his face. Yes, he does. But we discussed earlier that you are not shallow, so get over it already! I mean think about it. He's a little psychotic but who doesn't like a freak in the sheets?!
Leo: Rawr! You are one feisty cat! But that's not all you are. You also are creative and enthusiastic. You are the cheerleader of life, planning that one killer routine to win regionals. GO LEOS! *Toe Touch* So who should you bang? George W. Bush OF COURSE!
Little Georgie was HEAD CHEERLEADER of his rich boy academy in the 60's. Way to be George! He wasn't falling into those gender roles that the 60's adored. You two would go together like cheese and meat. A perfect pair if I do say so myself.
Virgo: You're like a tiny little mouse person...at least your personality is. You're like the that smart rat that wins the cheese at the end of the obstacle. You learn after you get that shock that turning left is a bad idea! You try to avoid the worry but that still doesn't work. That's why you should make whoopee with the lovable and easy going, Chuck E. Cheese.
He's your FAVORITE little rat boy and he has a passion for pizza, just like you. Passion for pizza transfers over really well to sexual intercourse. I know. I've had a lot of pizza.
Libra: You are one romantic lass. You're like that lady at the party that sits on the comfortable chair with a glass of wine. You bring the people to you. Sometimes you might be a little too flirtatious. Some men find this intimidating but not FABIO!
Fabio is every lonely housewives dream fling. You could jump onto his body and he's going to stay still. Now that's exciting! You gotta get with that dong, man.
Scorpio: Damn scorpio, you are the coolest of the cool. You're like a magnet and boys are like paper clips. I'm not just saying this because I'm one of you, no way man. I mean you got that passion burning under your skin. You're pretty much irresistible. That's why you should totes hook up with Gael Garcia Bernal.
It's not because I'm in love with Gael and I want to do the sex with him...that's not why. It's for other reasons entirely. I just know if we had sex he would love me forever.... and it would be the best.
(Good lord there are so many GD signs)
Sagittarius: You're a little hippie. You love trying to make sense out of stupid philosophy. I don't know why, because that shit is dumb. You're the crocheted bra on the bosom that is life. That's why you gotta get jiggy wit Justin Bieber's dreads.
I know what you're thinking: but Justin Bieber's dreads aren't people. They are in spirit. That's all that matters. Spirit sex is what you hippies love. You're all about that stuff. And his dread's spirits will connect with yours and it will be like when those avatars in the movie "Avatar" do it. It's all about the hair!
Capricorn: Pull out your ruler because you're one disciplined, teacher-like, broad. How else can I describe you? You're like that person who has a terrible laugh and they try to hide it behind a cute little giggle. That's why you must DIDDLE with Seth Rogan's bits.
Seth Rogan has the most annoying and unpleasant laughs in all the land. If you hang out with him then your laugh won't even sound half as annoying. Also he's way laid back. You know what they say! Opposites attract. This one doesn't make all that much sense, but trust me, you guys need to have it. And by it, I mean he needs to insert his P in your P. HAVE FUN!
Aquarius: Miss Aquarius, you're like if a Golden Retriever was a human being. Now that's a compliment! Those are my favorite kind of dogs (okay..I haven't met one IRL but I've watched Air Bud). Who is the most likable guy there is? Well duh. It's Tom Hanks.
I just googled that. He's just an all around cool guy. He's been with his wife for forever. You two are like the Air Buds of sex.
Pisces: There's a rumor going on around the world that pisces are dumb-dumbs. They are lead astray by anything, and they are weak hearted. But don't worry you have a fantastic imagination. That almost makes up for the fact that you're an idiot. So who should you have sex with?
Anyone that will have sex with you.
THERE IT IS!
Me and the stars had a long talk about this and they all agree with me.
Be safe. Wear condoms. Unless you want babies.
XOXO
Not Gossip Girl
